Do you understand? What you are made of? The very stars combust in the night sky with the same atoms that make up your mind. Can you feel that?

Bianca Sparacino

I. Ruddy. LOVE. This. Quote.

It appears early on in ‘A Girl’s Guide to Being Fearless’ and, I promise you, it’s truer than true.

When massive stars reach the end of their lives, they explode in what’s called a ‘Supernova’, blasting all kinds of matter into space… which find their way to earth… and into every single one of us. We all walk around with remnants of these distant explosions inside of our bodies.

We are literally made of stardust.

It’s an epic (if a little random) fact… but it’s part of a bigger truth: we are living, breathing pieces of the planet. We were born belonging here. As valuable as everyone and everything around us.

So why, oh WHY do we spend so much of our lives refusing to believe it?

Why do we pour so much of our precious energy into picking ourselves apart for not being clever/pretty/perfect/interesting/capable/fit/confident/lucky/loveable/[insert any adjective you blinkin’ well like] enough?!  

It’s almost as if not feeling ‘enough’ is part and parcel of being human.

It really shouldn’t be.   

Yes, we’re all different, but no one is better. Likewise, no one is less than. You have as much right to be in the room as the next person. And that ‘next person’ can be a global superstar or a world leader, it doesn’t matter. You are their equal… and they are yours.

If you struggle with your self-worth, you might have scoffed at that last sentence. And you wouldn’t be alone in feeling that way. Scrap that. You wouldn’t just be “not alone”, you’d be in a storming majority.

Most people feel like they don’t measure up in some way, at some point in their lives. Even those perceived by the rest of the world to have brilliance shooting out of every pore. I promise you, presidents are bricking themselves over how to run their country, Hollywood film stars are petrified of being “found out”, and CEOs are making it up as they go along.

If that’s the case and everyone’s walking around feeling like they’re somehow falling short, we’ve got to ask ourselves: who is it we’re pitching our worth against? Because whoever it is, you can bet your life that they’re plagued by feelings of inadequacy, too!

And if this is such a common feeling among humans, regardless of experience, talent or ability, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that, most of the time, our doubts and insecurities are completely unfounded. They are not real.

They are imaginary gremlins that hijack our minds and whisper negative nonsense in our ear about all the things we can’t have and can’t be and can’t do.  

But we weren’t born with these gremlins. In fact, quite the opposite: we were born with what Buddhists call our ‘original face’.

In the beginning, you were pure YOU. No hang-ups or embarrassment. You happily pooped your nappy and let mum/dad wipe you down and stick a fresh one on. You didn’t lie there while they changed you, all embarrassed and riddled with shame. You just wriggled and giggled and thought you were fabulous.

At 6 months old, when your mum showed you YOU in the mirror, you didn’t scream “Oh my gaaad, I’m bald! And why didn’t anyone tell me I had baby food slapped all over my forehead? No way- is that my belly? And look at my chubby cheeks; I’m half human, half hamster! That’s it, I’m never going out in public!”

Nope. You beamed at the vision in front of you, fascinated and delighted in equal measure.

So, if we didn’t have these insecurities when we were tiny, when did we acquire them?

Well, mostly they are remnants of other people’s destructive words and opinions that we picked up as we journeyed through life. And the earlier we picked them up, the harder it is for us to shake them off.

See, we remember and hold onto negative comments far more than positive. And by the time we reach adolescence, we’ll have heard a LOT of negative comments, mostly from the big people around us as we’re growing up. They regularly reminded us of all the things we couldn’t and mustn’t and shouldn’t do, usually because they were trying to keep us safe the best way they knew how. Or they were passing on their own destructive, made-up stories and beliefs (passed onto them by their big people!) without realising they were doing it.

(NB: this isn’t always the case… our insecurities can come from interactions with siblings/comparing ourselves to friends/TV/social media etc. too)

The early phase of our life is so important because that’s when we form our core beliefs (our most deep-rooted assumptions about ourselves).

These core beliefs are opinions, but they can feel like facts. They say to us “this is the kind of person you are”. Examples of core beliefs of the negative variety are: “I am stupid”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m unloveable”, “I’m a failure”, “I’m shy”, “I’m anxious”, “I’m lazy”, “I’m a procrastinator”, “I’m ugly”.

So, all reeeeeeeally lovely stuff.

The good news is that, just as there are things we do every day that reinforce our self-limiting beliefs, there are things we can do every day to hush the buggers up.

We have the power to counteract the negativity and take ourselves one… or two… or even ten notches up the self-esteem scale. And I would say that that’s one of the most important things we could ever do in and for our lives.   

When you have high self-esteem, you feel good about who you are. You know, deep down, that you are loved, safe, valued and worthy. You feel as deserving as everyone else.

And when you feel like that, you’re more willing to step outside of your comfort zone and try new things. Because, even if you don’t succeed at whatever you’re trying, it doesn’t knock you sideways. You know you’re still loved, safe, valued and worthy and, what’s more, you don’t need anyone else’s validation to prove it. You understand that not being good at something just means you need to practice to get better. So you’re not afraid to give things a go. You allow yourself to suck at more things, so you can practice more things to get better at more things. And then the confidence begins to creep in as you get better at those things!

So, simply put, high self-esteem makes you brave. And, when you find your Brave, life becomes sooooo much easier.

You take more of the uncomfortable steps you need to take to steer your life in the direction you want it to go. You don’t stand on the side-lines of a mediocre existence. You go for it… and shove yourself bang in the middle of an epic one. If I had to pick out the key message of Girl’s Guide, that would be it. Work on the ‘liking yourself’ bit… and the rest follows.  

So the next obvious question is HOW?

Well, the place to start is always your thoughts.

Those core beliefs I just talked about show themselves in your thoughts, otherwise known as your ‘inner voice’. We all have one (and if you’ve just said to yourself “hmmm… I’m not sure that I do”, that’s the rascal! You’ve just caught it red-handed.)

It’s the commentary that runs on in our head and it’s such a part of us that often we don’t even notice it’s there. Our inner voice can be savage. It’s your ‘I can’t do it’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘What will people think of me?’ voice. We would NEVER let anyone speak to us as harshly as we speak to ourselves.

If the voice living inside your head is not supporting you, it’s time to upgrade it to one that does.

An important point to mention here is that a lot of books and trainings talk about getting rid of the negative thoughts altogether and replacing them completely with positive, motivational ones. But that’s not possible. If you’re human, you will always have unhelpful thoughts. And that’s good news! It means you don’t have to worry when they show up.

Negative thoughts are inevitable… but believing them and/or focusing on them is entirely optional. When a harsh thought creeps in, you get to decide whether or not you dwell on it or drag your focus towards something far more balanced and helpful. Because you can. Here’s how:

Firstly, notice and allow the negative thought.
Tune into your inner voice and notice when it gives you a negative suggestion. Notice if it tells you that you’re not good enough, or that you can’t do something, or that you hate a part of yourself, or that someone’s thinking badly about you.
And once you’ve noticed a thought, write it down. This is helpful for a couple of reasons:
a) because you can have lots of thoughts over the course of a single minute and they can get a bit jumbled, so writing them down makes it easier to identify them, and;
b) because bad thoughts fester in the dark corners of our minds, so the act of writing them down is like shining a massive spotlight on the rascals and seeing them for what they truly are: nonsense opinions.

*You won’t have to write them down forever; it’s just an initial step in the short-term to break the habit … until catching and challenging destructive head chat becomes second nature. It’ll take a bit of time and practice, but before long, you’ll be able to do it all in your head.

Secondly, Forgive yourself for having the thought.
Laugh at it. Bless it. Don’t judge it, don’t worry about it, don’t resist it. Remember that a negative thought is just your brain trying to do its job. Every single human has the same thing going on inside their head. Remind yourself that, while you might not be able to get rid of negative thoughts altogether, you never have to respond to them by freaking out. You can have them and still stay in control. I find saying the following sentence to myself really helps: “This is only a thought and a thought can be changed”. Then;

Flip the thought…
… by asking yourself the following questions:

• What are the positives in me/the situation that I’m not focusing on?
• What advice would I give to a close friend who had the same thought?
• What would be a more positive/balanced thought to replace this?

Here are some examples of negative thoughts… and how you might upgrade them: 

Negative Thought	Flip it with
“I am so tired… I don’t want to get out of bed this morning”.	“I’m in charge of how I feel, and I’ll have a better day by choosing a better vibe. So today I’m upping my energy!” *then put on some music that makes you feel epic*
“I feel so rubbish… I just can’t face the day”.	“I’m OK right here, right now… let’s just focus on taking the next step [getting out of bed/brushing my teeth/ having breakfast/ talking to someone I trust]”.
“I’ve got such a big day ahead of me (because of the test / exam / interview / audition etc.). I know I’m going to muck it up”.	“In the grand scheme of things, how big is the situation I’m about to face, really? Will it even matter a year from now? It’s just a test / interview / exam and will not define my life… so let’s forget about the outcome and just enjoy today”.
“Why do I always screw up”?	“You have to stumble to succeed. I’ll overcome this little knock and bounce back better and stronger”.
“I’m just not very confident”.	“I can be as confident as I want to be, with practice”.
“No one likes me”	“I make people feel good in my company because I’m kind and lovely and interested in what they have to say”.
“I wish I was like her… she’s so much better than me”	“I am better than no one and no one is better than me”.

While most of the population tear themselves apart in the mirror each morning, the happy few do something different. They cheer themselves on. They have their own backs. They say affirm themselves.

So, how about using the above examples as a guide and having a go at writing some Affirmations of your own? You don’t have to say them out loud (though some people do!). One suggestion is to record them on your phone and play them back to yourself when you’re getting ready in the morning or walking to school (with your headphones in, obviously, or you might get some curious looks!).

Failing that, you can wake up in the morning and catch your inner voice the second it starts to grumble. As soon as it cranks up with its usual “oh my gosh I’m so tired, I don’t want to get out of bed”, sucker punch that low-vibe thought with a higher-vibe one. Something like; “OK, but I’ve been given another day on this planet and I refuse to start it with the hump. So, today I choose to be happy/ energised/ optimistic/ calm” etc. And then, instead of watching TV, try sticking on some music that’ll shift your mood up a gear… and, all of a sudden, your day is off to a flyer!

It’s a powerful principle: whatever follows ‘I am…’, we’re inviting into our lives. “I am frustrated/stupid/anxious”… if that’s what you’re saying to yourself, that’s what you’re inviting in, so have a go at inviting in something better!

Now, this process might be simple, but it’s not always easy. If the positive statements seem too misaligned with what you’ve been thinking and feeling for a long time, your brain might need a bit more time to believe it. You could say, instead; “I notice that I keep telling myself that I am tired/stupid/stressed/anxious etc.”

That instantly puts some distance between you and the thought and reminds you that the thought is not you. And nor is it a fact. And once you’ve got into the swing of that, you can build from there and try replacing the thought with something more constructive.

I hope you’re getting this by now, beautiful: you are worthy.

Not because of the way you look, or because of your dazzling talents, or your expensive wardrobe, or the house you live in.

You are worthy FULL STOP.

No matter how different or out of place you feel right now, the world needs you and everything you are. Maybe you’re incredibly smart, or funny, or kind, or you’re exceptionally good at maths, or reading, or singing, or drawing, or writing stories. Maybe you stand up for people’s right. Or animals’ rights. Maybe you’re beautifully sensitive and thoughtful. Maybe the most incredibly creative things come out of your fantastically bonkers brain!

And maybe those qualities haven’t been appreciated. Yet! But just you wait. The world is gonna LOVE you. Just as you are. You are one of a kind and, wonderful girl, you belong. There is a space on this earth just for you. Now go and take it up!